It came at me so fast... my mind didn't have enough time to comprehend the severity of what was happening or how deeply this would permanently affect me. All of the sudden I was falling apart and keeping it together at the same time. Today marks one year of my loss. The most inconceivable loss I could have imagined. I would no longer have the greatest man I ever knew, my Father. He left his water glass sitting on the counter... He left the book that he had just begun to read, he left his sermon notes tucked away in his bible.. he left me. I would no longer hear his precious laughter or feel the embrace of his love. How could someone I perceived as invincible suddenly disappear so quickly out of my life? How can I lose someone so irreplaceable?
I didn't know how to adjust to this new life that I was forced into. Holidays became a sad occasion instead of a celebration. Day to day life consisted of dragging myself out of bed and forcing the day to start. Knowing what was ahead became down right terrifying. I clung to my husband and children; afraid if I let them out of my sight, I might lose them.
My brother posted scriptures that I had forgotten about... Ecclesiastes 3 - A Time for Everything. 1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.
Such beautiful, joyous words of life, that poured such a peace over me. This too shall pass... and while I am healing from this season in my life, the Lord is picking up my pieces. Although I've lost my earthly dad.. my heavenly father has never left my side. Putting my trust and faith in him is my only solution. He never promised that our lives would be burdenless. He never offered a victory without a fight, but his help will always arrive. I will have to face struggles in this life but not alone. His light will always shine the path he is leading me through. Our family still has a long distance to go.. I breakdown occasionally and miss him everyday.. we have settled into the fact that our father/husband and pastor is not returning... but one day, one glorious day, I will be with him again. He the lord "shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall no longer be any death; there shall no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."
When I finally make it home, I will wear palms of victory and crowns of glory. My eyes will gaze on beauty that our minds can never imagine here on earth. "And the building of the wall of it was of jasper: and the city pure gold, like unto clear glass. And the foundations of the wall of the city garnished with all manner of precious stones".. "And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light: and they shall reign for ever and ever"
When I finally make it home, I will be greeted by the ones that were taken before me, by the heavenly angels, and I will see the one who died for me... "The Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." I will meet my Lord and Savior while standing hand in hand with my sweet Father. "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"