It's hard not to dwell on the mistakes we've made in the past. I've spent the majority of my adult life condemning myself and hiding in shadows of my faults, like an ostrich with his head buried in sand. I’m supposed to be a Christian, how can I possibly make such stupid decisions? I also spent years battling depression. I’m completely aware that chemical imbalances can cause depression and even worse in the minds of people everyday. I don’t feel this was the case for me. I took several different types of anti-depressant medicines, only to feel halfway better. This is not the way we are intended to live. God said in him we have peace, in him we have joy. Where was my joy? It was certainly not under the rock where I had hid for so long.
I can ask for forgiveness but unless I can forgive myself and accept God's grace, I'm spinning my wheels. It's not that God was withholding his peace and spirit from me but I had allowed guilt to weigh me down and keep me from accepting God's forgiveness. I finally opened my eyes wide enough to comprehend what God had been trying to show me. That his grace is sufficient for me. His love and mercy will never fail and will never leave me. 1 John 1:9 says that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Cleanse us... we are made new. Washed by his blood and remade completely. There is no sin too big for his blood to cover. It was like a thousand pounds were lifted from my back. I felt this tremendous amount of joy that comforted me like a blanket and zero depression. Zero depression!
I still have a past, but I am not bound by it. Where I've been does not have to be where I'm going and it certainly does not define who I am. Even as a Christian, I will take the wrong paths at times just as I have in the past... I may fall down, but I don't have to stay there. My gracious Lord and Savior has forgiven me. The new rock that I hide under is not a rock of shame... "The lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge!"
